My son is 12½. Like all tweens and teens, he is interested in sex, he has access to the internet, and he has gone looking about. My husband and I have had age-appropriate talks with him the last couple of years about how we want the information he consumes to be nourishing for his brain just like food nourishes his body. We have talked about how keeping secrets keep us from growing and how his body is his own. We have talked about how he can come to us with anything, and so far, it seems like he has. But like any parent, we keep an eye on his internet searches and limit the way he can interact with people online. And this brings us to the issue. This weekend, during a quick check of his computer internet history, we found that he’d been looking at
“softvore” imagery—nothing violent or gory, but pictures of sexy women swаllowing men, etc.
He’s had an interest in stuff like this since he was around 7 or so, when he saw a scene in a movie where a lingerie-clad alien played by Lara Flynn Boyle swаllows a man whole. He said he liked the “snake-lady scene,” and we talked about how images on a screen aren’t real but can inspire real feelings in us, and it’s important to be aware of what’s real and what’s not. We figured it was a passing interest and nothing would necessarily come of it. We decided to take the movie out of rotation and revisit it when he was older.
As it turns out, like many formative, sexually charged situations, it’s never really left his mind. My question or quandary is this: If he were simply looking at run-of-the-mill sexy images, I’d be well set up to deal with it. We’ve laid the groundwork there. But navigating a fairly specific kink is tricky and, honestly, weird for me! I don’t really want to know my preteen son’s porn preferences. How do I talk about responsible consumption of media with this additional twist?
I have a long and varied history with kink myself, so the fact that he is interested in something not quite so mainstream is fine, but there’s not a lot of guidance on how not to kinkshame your kid. Add to that the fact that he’s fairly young, and it is an awkward, complex mess. We’ve limited his internet access for now—he was being secretive about looking stuff up—and had the preliminary “the images we consume for sexual pleasure are indeed private, but you’re still young and the internet is a big scary place. If you are secretive about what you do online, we aren’t, as parents, able to keep you safe” talk. But I am wanting to keep myself armed with talking points if this comes up again … as it inevitably will. I want to raise a sex-positive, respectful man, and honest talks like this are part of that.