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kirill89_7
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*Warning: this is a long read
I’m really not sure what to do anymore. I've never told anyone this in full.
I’ll start off by saying that I don’t really know where to post this. I have an uncontrollable fetish for diapers but my story isn’t really like others that I have read. If anyone is fascinated by how this happens to someone, this will probably be a lot of interest.
I had a great childhood. I had attentive parents and I think normal potty training. I was never abused or had any trauma but this still happened.
I don’t know the exact age that this fetish started but I know what did it. My mom bought me the latest Goosebumps which was called “The Cuckoo Clock Of Doom”. The story is about a boy who tries to get his sister in trouble by turning a cuckoo birds head around on a giant clock. Instead he inadvertently starts to regress as time moves backwards. As the story progresses the boy “Michael” gets younger and younger and has to relive his childhood until the final chapters when he wakes up as a baby.
The way R.L. Stine wrote this part was apparently supposed to be hilarious but I didn’t think so. Michael is not happy about waking up in a crib and is extremely humiliated to find that he’s back in diapers. His body may be that of a toddler but his mind is still his present age. I had never read anything like this before and the embarrassment of the situation just got worse as that chapter went on.
As Michael comes to terms with his infancy, he accidently trips, runs into the crib and bumps his head. He can’t stop crying and his mom thinks she knows what is bothering him. She thinks he needs his diaper changed. Michael is horrified and screams No, No, No! No diaper change! But his cries fall on deaf ears as his mom lifts him up for his inevitable fate. The story never goes into detail with what happens next, the character just tells readers that he has blocked the memory from his consciousness.
But I knew what happened and it probably didn’t help that I was around the same age of Michael when I read this. I don’t remember even thinking about diapers until I read this book. Like the thought never crossed my mind. But I watched plenty of cartoons as a kid and with them of course came commercials for Pampers, Johnson & Johnson, Huggies, etc. So I understood what Michael would be so horrified about.
I couldn’t think of anything more degrading then the process of a diaper change. Being forced onto a changing table, legs in the air, as someone wipes and powders your privates. It was the ultimate humiliation. And when I read this part of the story it might not have gone into such detail but it didn’t really have to. Like the best horror movies the greatest fear can come from when the monster isn’t shown. R.L. Stines words insinuated that this happened “offscreen” and that was enough. I could not stop thinking about it. I think I started reading that part over and over again. Somewhere along the line I began to get sexually stimulated about the situation. Or as much as a ten year old could.
I really wish R.L. Stine had left that part out. It’s amazing what a few pages of a book can do to someone’s life. If he wanted this to be funny then why have the character be so horrified about it? Why couldn’t he have just woken up and then been taken to breakfast or something?
Anyway that’s what started it. The process of being changed is what I associated diapers with. I didn’t associate the process as something caring; I related it to how humiliating it would be to be of normal age and to be treated like a baby. All because of that stupid book. And through the years I would fantasize about this happening to female characters on TV, movies, magazines and video games. I was just like any other boy in that aspect. I was still attracted to girls. But I didn’t fantasize about sex. If I looked at erotic pictures I would be fantasizing about what those women looked like in diapers. Not necessarily involving humiliation but just imagining that they were wearing a diaper alone, made me know that there was a diaper change in their future. That was enough to do it for me. I was still very attracted to a woman’s body but I couldn’t understand what sex would feel like therefore that didn’t do the same thing for me like imagining this did.
However with a diaper change it would be pretty easy to understand what that would be like. The process involves the intimacy of being naked and someone else having direct contact with your sexual organs. So being attracted to women’s bodies, this became like sex. I know in a lot of TV shows, young characters are caught taking long showers to signify sexual awakening. But not me, I started humping the bed soon after. I didn’t know what masturbating was but I began to do this a lot. I kept fantasizing about that humiliation from that book and applying it to different situations.
For example I imagined a
ular female character on TV getting their comeuppance and brought down to that level. Being so ular or attractive yet having to be treated like a baby again. I absolutely hated that it excited me (and still do) because I would never actually want that to happen in real life to anyone. I think it would be terrible for someone to have their maturity stripped away and be degraded like that. But I couldn’t stop making stories in my head because in those stories no one was getting hurt. It was just fantasy and no one knew about it but me. That was my way of rationalizing it. Once the story was over those same girls returned to normal like nothing happened. In real life it would probably be like sexual assault to them which makes me feel sick thinking about it. In fact, in all of my fantasies I couldn’t figure out how the story would even end. Even in my head I wouldn’t want anyone to be treated like a baby for a long period of time. That would be an absolutely boring life that no one deserves. The only time it would work is in a wrestling match where that would be the stipulation (which really isn’t that far from spanking matches) but even then it’s just acting. It’s not real.
As time went on and the internet evolved, I didn’t really have to fantasize as much before being able to read others. I began to discover diaper stories and the meaning of ABDL & DL. I still really can’t define what I am out of those terms. I guess I’m somewhere in between.
The stories can do it for me more than the actual pictures sometimes. That’s probably because that’s where it started. I can’t tell you how many stories I’ve read through the years. From the humiliation stuff to age regression, it’s a very high number. But when I’m looking for them, there are always rules I follow or I’ll skip by them usually. I don’t like reading about it happening to men, I don’t like it being about anyone younger than 18, and I don’t really like reading about characters who like the actual ABDL stuff. For the last one, it has to be realistic and contain an actual relationship in between that stuff. Most of the humiliation stories are completely illogical and would never happen.
That’s where I can’t figure out who I am because I don’t really like reading about stories where people actually like to act like a baby or to wear diapers.
And I don’t just like diapers. I have to find the girl attractive wearing them or it really does nothing for me. The diapers are kind of like this weird lingerie in that way. To me they really accentuate a woman’s nice ass, tight stomach and her legs. They also have to look a certain way for me to be the most attracted to them. The babyish looking adult ones are usually what I’m the most attracted to. If they’re like depends and they don’t fit right, the fantasy begins to feel like old people. I like when they fit how they would on a baby but are obviously bigger to accommodate an adult frame.
So..I have OCD and most likely slight aspergers.
But I also am not really attracted to regular sex no matter how hard I’ve tried to be. Watching actual porn is still weird and kind of uncomfortable to me. I actually enjoy just looking at naked woman more. But doing that alone hasn’t worked the same way for me. And I have given it plenty of shots but no matter how much I try to be attracted by it, it can be very hard to get an erection until those other thoughts come in. I hate it and begin to hate myself because of it.
The thing with diapers is I know a lot of people associate them with obviously using the bathroom. Some people call them a wearable waste bucket but somewhere along the way my brain got wired different. I found them pleasurable instead of disgusting. I guess it’s something about the bulkiness. Shitting in them I find revolting and I really wouldn’t even want to touch someone else’s urine.
Soon the fantasies started to involve myself and I imagined being humiliated and having to experience a diaper change. What it would be like…and most likely I probably would hate it in real life outside of a very private setting. But more and more I wanted to actually try them. I kept getting closer to the pharmacy aisle until I finally caved.
The few times I have actually tried them, I did try to urinate in them since if you piss yourself in the ocean it feels good due to the warmth. But it didn’t really work because the ones I bought leaked to easily. But before even trying that I simulated the effect by just pouring warm water down them. This was alright but never was I more attracted to them then in the process of putting it on. Also I hated the way I looked in the mirror with it on. I threw them all out very shortly after.
Baby powder itself almost does for me as much as the word diaper does. The smell and the feeling of that hitting you is a major turn on for me because of the association. The other things that do it are baby oil, pacifiers, baby bottles, being bathed, and breast feeding (but not just watching it). I haven’t even tried to use a bottle or anything and real pacifiers are uncomfortable. So there’s the ABDL side of it.
But where things get even weirder for me is I don’t really enjoy it when adults act like babies. As soon as a model starts to talk like a baby in a video, I’ll turn down the volume. Same with models playing with dolls, being fed, etc. I understand the return to innocence but that’s not really what I find attractive about all of it. It’s probably the helplessness of the situation that I like.
I think that’s a horrible thing to be attracted to and I wrestle with myself a lot over and over again. I think it would be a lot better to be attracted to willing regression rather then forced. I just think it’s wrong and I wish I could change it.
The thing is now through 20 years my OCD has latched onto this fetish and anything sexual with women I immediately associate with all of this. I can’t just get turned on by a woman’s body alone even though I find her incredibly attractive. I have horrible anxiety and have a hard time keeping an erection unless it’s a for sure thing that’s been proven to work.
And that’s when I start to over think things. I don’t even try to start relationships because I know sex is eventually going to be what she wants. And I’m not going to be able to deliver. I mean I could but I would have to take Viagra or something at 29 years old. It just makes me sad that I can’t be like other people. I don’t want her to know that her body alone wouldn’t do it for me. That I need some degrading objects thrown into play. It just makes me not want to even put anyone through that. What woman honestly deserves that? She could find someone better.
I have an OCD problem with masturbation too. I haven’t had many sexual relationships through the years so it’s always really just been that and my floods of women in diapers & stories via the internet. At times I would used to try to imagine the most beautiful woman I could think of. I would just fantasize about sex only. But like when I was younger, I can’t imagine how it would be like so it would not work the same way as diaper fantasies would. So I told myself that when I was put in the situation for real it wouldn’t work out so well either.
Unlike other guys in there 20s I wasn’t worried about meeting girls in the clubs & bars. I was there a lot but I never really tried. Even if a girl was able to get past how skinny I was, my bad anxiety and sexual inexperience…she’d still have the whopper of an issue to overcome which is my diaper fetish. I didn’t want to put anyone through it.
A few years later, someone was willing to overlook my initial faults and give me a chance. I had never told anyone about my fetish. Even while being at my most open it has remained in a locked box. I thought for a while I would take it to my grave but I’m not so sure now. She was beautiful but the problem that I thought all along did come. I drank a lot to try to deal with my anxiety but all the alcohol in the world couldn’t allow me to perform properly for her. My anti anxiety medicines decided to also take that night off.
This was the first real relationship I’d had in years and I finally had the chance to experience what other guys got to. And I failed. I felt horrible. I felt horrible for her. I wonder what she was thinking about herself because of me…because of my awful stupid fetish.
We talked, she said it wasn’t a big deal and our relationship eventually went on and we tried again and I was able to sort of give her what she wanted but it didn’t last. Anxiety won round 2 again. This was so unusual for me because in my lifetime it has never been hard to get sexually excited. She tried to put the condom on and things just weren’t working like they usually do for me. So I tried giving her what I could which was oral. Once again I was inexperienced at relationships so who know if I was doing anything right but she seemed to enjoy it. And I was happy I made her happy but it wasn’t turning me on.
After this we never really tried much again even though we moved in to an apartment together which was a big mistake. Things began to get rough and it was most likely over us not having sex. I wrote her a letter explaining my past (not all of this) and that I was a virgin. Shortly after, shaking I finally told her about my fetish which I had never told anyone in my life. I once again felt horrible because just saying it gave me an erection right then and there. I explained that I don’t know why things were that way but I couldn’t change them even though I had tried to in the past. I just wanted her to know that it wasn’t anything she did. I wanted so badly to give her what she wanted and to be excited alone by her body.
She said it was okay and that she had a fetish too but just not that one. She said she would never try mine because she wouldn’t feel attractive in a diaper. I understood. She asked me that when we tried to have sex to just fantasize about it and see if that would work. Our relationship got better for a few weeks after this.
But unfortunately her suggestion didn’t work. Anxiety won again. One night I tried one last ditch effort and asked if she would let me involve diapers just so I could get an erection. Like my anti anxiety medicine it was my magic pill. I think I told her that maybe if I knew what sex would feel like then I would be able to get excited by just it and that would be enough.
I probably pushed it too far here and asked if she would diaper me because all those years of imagining were close to happening. She hesitantly said yes and I rushed to the drug store, excited that I was going to be able to experience one of my fantasies and would also be able to have real sex. I bought diapers, baby powder, baby oil and rushed back.
I left everything in my car and came inside to our room. She was asleep with a vibrator next to her on the bed. I closed the door silently and lay on the couch. It really hurt and I haven’t forgotten that night. But I don’t blame her.
That was pretty much the end of our relationship. We lived together but she began seeing other people and I just stayed in the apartment alone until I moved out.
I knew what brought everything down was my inability to give her what she wanted. All those things I had feared years ago happened like I thought and I haven’t had a serious relationship since. I haven’t even tried for years. I also have never mentioned the diaper fetish again not even to a therapist. This is the first time I’m even speaking about it and only because it’s anonymously.
I continued to look at all the stuff but never bought diapers again. But nowadays just the word Pampers alone is enough to start the obsessive thinking. I have thought about paying an escort that is accepting of fetishes to maybe indulge in my fantasy to see if I’d really like it as much as I think I would. Maybe I wouldn’t and I could move on but I doubt it. As time has gone on I’ve wanted to try being diapered by a woman who I was attracted to but would never tell. I still don’t like reading male stories where this happens though.
Relationship wise I understand the females POV. How can she see her boyfriend who is supposed to be her protector dressed in something a baby would wear? If she saw that would she ever be able to see him as anything else again. It seems destined for failure.
So I began trying to find what the public thought about all this. Was a real relationship even possible? I searched terms like diaper fetish common, diaper fetish normal, woman attracted to baby powder, etc. I didn’t really like the answers I found from the general public.
People say not to care what others think, but I do. I see a lot of people who say that it is one of the most common fetishes to have. But I haven’t read anyone who thinks a diaper fetish is attractive because it would be humiliating to a woman. I think it’s so wrong. I’m not a violent person. I’ve never even been in a fight and don’t get angry often. I wish that Goosebumps book didn’t cause this line of thinking.
The other things I read from other sites began to get nastier especially two sites that I read recently. Someone wrote in for advice for her husband who liked to engage in ABDL play but was beginning to neglect vanilla sex. This was probably because it didn’t turn him on anymore. What the columnist told her really hurt to read and actually had me depressed for a long time today because it sounds true.
He told her “The world is crawling—literally crawling—with adult babies who are alone and single and miserable and always will be. While the internet has made it possible for adult babies to find each other, a shared interest in nappies and nurseries doesn't guarantee compatibility. Plus, female adult babies are scarcer than folks who can read "my husband whines and cries and pretends to be a baby during sex" without hurling.” – (okay the last line of that is going too far for me too)
It hit home because of my past and this guys problem. He was way more into the ABDL lifestyle then I am and probably ever will be but still what if that columnist is right? Does having this fetish mean that you are destined to die alone and miserable? Will it ever work?
I read on another forum about a woman whose boyfriend liked to engage in ABDL and all commenter’s who responded told her to Run Run Run!, including the therapist who owned the forum who said that these people will never change.
It’s really hard stuff to read. And I’ve seen it from a lot of different places too. I don’t want to find someone just to engage this diaper fetish. I just want to have someone who I’m attracted to that likes to do stuff with and spend company but I feel like I can’t be normal like other guys. Having sex scares me because I’m afraid it will all fall apart there.
And at the same time I don’t understand how this is any worse than some of the other more common fetishes out there. I wouldn’t mind the BDSM stuff but that seems way more hardcore then an undergarment of clothing. All this is to me is a costume compared to that. And as far as a fake diaper change..it isn’t like being gang raped or ejaculating in a girls face. I guess I think that’s more degrading.
I don’t always understand and wish it could be more accepted like foot fetishes. I know why it’s not because people associate diapers with babies (pedophiles, etc) and using the bathroom. But what if you weren’t using them for that? Wouldn’t it otherwise just be putting on an article of clothing for someone? It’s just the vulnerability. In real life if I did it to a girl I would not want her not to like it. She would have to be comfortable with it, or I wouldn’t do it.
I don’t know what anyone is supposed to say to me who read through this if they even did. I’m weird, perverted..I just want to know if there was anyone with any advice who has been through this. Do things get better? I imagine I should go talk to another counselor. Maybe I was just looking for some hope and wanted to finally get this off my chest.
Thank you for reading
